The Pain of Uncertainty

Several hours ago we tore through the house packing to take Isabelle to the ER. Initially we set out for Riley children’s hospital but quickly diverted to a local ER out of fears about her breathing. Checked in, blood drawn (from her neck), and x-rays taken we enter the hardest part.

We long to escape uncertainty. We want an answer. 

A week and a half ago my feet started hurting due to some biking I did. I stopped biking but the pain remained lessoning slowly. Tonight I gingerly step across the concrete floors. Writing I prop my feet on another chair. Pain annoys as I wait answers on Isabelle’s health.

I wait, irritated that feet pain remains and I want an answer on Isabelle’s health. 

Watching minutes crawl into hours I feel Sunday approach 2 hours 33 minutes from now. As a pastor I worry for my church. I shouldn’t because Jesus spoke pretty clearly about the subject, but I still do. I want answers. I want to know how to reach more people with Christ. I want to know how to preach better, teach clearer, and pastor with greater love.

I wait longing for certainty about my church, while hoping my feet get better, and praying for answers on Isabelle.

A  choice looms, threatening my evening. 

Here’s how this choice materializes on a normal evening:

Choice 1:

I check out in face of pain and uncertainty. It starts with browsing Facebook and news excessively while I walk through bath time and more with the girls. After bed time I waste more time from watching youtube videos to trying to talk Ashley into a movie. As the night gets later I get more irritable with Ashley because I’ve spent the whole evening serving myself and seeking short term comfort.

Choice 2: 

I face uncertainty and invest in relationships. I talk with the girls and avoid disengaging to Facebook. Instead of escape to Youtube I read a book. Instead of talking Ashley into a movie we play a game. Instead of living the whole evening for myself I write a blog…for others I think. I live for purpose.

A blog and Macgyver

So I have less options in 10×10 ER room but I want to chose purpose over escape. I’ve started by sharing this blog. Next I’m going to lean over to spend time with Ashley. Maybe we’ll talk. Maybe we’ll watch the latest episode of Macgyver. Either way I want to try to lean in to the uncertainty and live on purpose.

A verse

This verse speaks to me in the middle of uncertainty tonight.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.”

-Proverbs 3:5;6

I chose to trust in the Lord tonight.



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