One hour ago I stood over the sleeping body of my daughter. Silently wiping her belly I pushed the needle in. Flinching, she rolled over and I crept out. In three hours and 35 minutes I will shake myself awake and sneak back in test to her blood sugar.
Tomorrow and each day she attends preschool I drop her off and then work at a coffee shop nearby. I have to be close so I can drop by to test her blood before lunch and give her a shot after lunch. I routinely explain to anyone who watches her how to use the Glucagon to save her life.
The additions to our life brought on by type one diabetes complicate and exhaust. It is still almost laughable to add this onto our lives while balancing chemotherapy with the other daughter. Yet, every day we find new perspective through the ways that God shows up.
A friend told me to listen to the song – “Blessings” by Laura Story. So I did. Again, again, and again. I purchased the song on iTunes today so it would take a permanent spot on my playlist. Below I copied the words because they give new perspective to the life I live.
LYRICS. “Blessings” by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
Yes, yes, yes and yes. I pray for each of these things quite often. I ask hundreds of my friends to pray for them too. Yet God frequently allows suffering, withholds healing, and delays prosperity. Still, God tells us to pray and so we do.
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
Could it be that the lesser thing in my life would be greater health for my family? Could it be the lesser thing in my life right now would be greater success in my work? Could it be that God has something greater only doable through suffering?
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
Hundreds of nights I go to bed and fall asleep rather quickly. It’s never been hard. Except the rare times when it is. Then stare at the ceiling and worry about the life I live. In that moment, in those moments, I learn to find Him near.
15 days straight I have been up around 3 AM every day. Doing what is best for my daughter. Looking to find strength.
What if the trial of leukemia and the trial of diabetes are the merciful acts of my savior?
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
So many prayers prayed. So many times in 2017 I pleaded to God for wisdom when rushing to the ER. So many times and I looked for strength. Through it all, God’s wisdom and strength were right there.
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
You know, when I lie awake in bed and anticipating working with Christina through seven different needle pricks my blood pressure goes up. I truly and find that I need peace. It’s funny, the last year spending one day out of seven in the hospital and, I didn’t struggle with worrying. I just comforted my daughter and and the professionals did the work. Now I need to be there and and engaged in as Dr. dad every day. I need peace that comes from someone greater than me.
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
I think the persistence of struggle in my life maybe God’s greatest gift to me. In struggle, in sickness, God is pointing me to him.
I hope in what ever struggles my Father permits for you, you find His “mercies in disguise.”